Blogging is my favorite stress reliever. I've been feeling so stressed lately, and then realized I haven't blogged in over a month! I think I need to get back to it to help maintain what little sanity I have left.
So, here is a summary of the past month and a half. It's not going to be as exciting b/c it's multiple events squished into one blog entry. But, after I post today's blog, I'm going to start blogging weekly again. Bare with me if this blog is a little long.
Scottsdale, AZ
Tuesday
I wake up at approx 3:30 AM. My flight is at 7 AM and I live a good 40 minutes from the airport. The first thing I notice is that my right boob is near bursting. There's no way in hell I'm going to wake up a peacefully sleeping Baby Girl at 3AM to feed her. It's the old "don't wake a sleeping bear" philosophy. So, I go down stairs and pull out the ol' sex toy sounding pump and go to town. 20 minutes pass and my boob still feels like an overstuffed sandbag. What the hell? Shit. It's 4AM. I only have an hour. I run upstairs, take a shower, and start to get dressed. What should I wear? This is a business trip so I should look decent. It's 4:30 AM and who the hell wants to get dressed up? I look longingly at my VS Pink Sweats and decide that wearing pants that say "Pink" on the ass and a hoodie that reads "I Love to Party" may not be work appropriate. I grab my normal business travel black dress and put on some flats. Before I leave I try to pump one last time. 1 oz. Seriously? It's like my boob is out to ruin my travel. I look down and tell it "I own you beyatch, you don't own me!" The boob pep talk doesn't seem to work, so I give up.
I go to Baby Girl's crib and start to sob. How can I be leaving her for 4 days? She's a baby doll laying there with her arms over her head. I kiss her chipmunk cheek and drag myself away. As I wipe away my tears ,I hear a crash of thunder and remember that it's 40 degrees outside. Bring on Arizona! I kiss MJ good-bye and tell him the normal "No strippers or hookers until I come home!" joke. Off I go.
As I drive to the airport I feel more pressure in my boob. This is nuts. I meet up with my coworkers at the at the gate at board on the direct flight. I contemplate pumping in the bathroom, but realize it's a full flight. I can just imagine people banging on the airplane bathroom door saying "C'mon lady! You and your vibrator have been in the bathroom for 20 min! I gotta pee!" Suddenly, I hear a baby crying. Great. I feel a little leakage happen. I take a deep breath and grab my Redbook mag to get my mind off the crying baby. I flip to an article called "The pros and cons of Breastfeeding" Really? In a Redbook? I slam shut the magazine and tune into the in flight movie called "Did you Hear About the Morgans?". A Sarah Jessica Parker movie can't be that bad. I look up at the little screen and it zooms in on SJP milking a cow. A friggin' cow! Are you SERIOUS? Is this a conspiracy or am I on Candid Camera? I feel sweat forming on my lip. I grab my boob for the hundredth time not caring that I look like some perv feeling myself up. The lady and her screaming kid walk by. I'm about to ask her "Hey lady, is your kid hungry? Hell, is anyone on this flight hungry?" Right as the words are about to form on my lips the pilot announces our decent. Praise Jesus!
After going through baggage claim and a nice lengthy shuttle ride to the resort I have had about all I can take. Everyone is "oohing and ahhing" over the beautiful sights we are passing and all I can think about is not squirting the guy seated next to me in the eye. We finally get to our resort on McCormick Ranch. I walk in and see mass chaos in the lobby. There's about 150 people trying to check into their rooms. Thank God I've always been nice to my admin. She just happens to be the event planner for our trip. She let's me cut in line to check in for "medical reasons." I get a million dirty looks and finally say out loud "I'm a nursing a mom and I have to pump before my breast explodes on you all" The dirty looks turn into looks of distaste. I hear some mumbles of "TMI" under people's breath. I'm just about to bitch slap the girl next to me when I decide getting to my room takes precedence. I throw my luggage down quicker than Amy Winehoue doing a shot of Jack. Ahh...Sweet relief.
Now that the whole "boob the size pf Rhode Island" debacle is over I find my co workers and drink some margaritas by the pool. I realize I'm still way out of practice drinking when after 2 margs I turn to a co worker and say the term "gen-erection" instead of "generation." Time for me to head back to the room and go to sleep. What a day.
Wednesday
I wake up confused as to where I am. I slept like a rock. No screaming baby, no baby monitor playing the music box version of Mozart, and no snoring husband. I get ready for the 4 hour sales meeting that's about to occur. After eating my weight in some crisp bacon at the breakfast buffet, I find my little work buddy, Mandy Moo. We stock up on coffee and listen to each speaker hour by hour.
After lunch it's time for our "excursion" we chose to do. I decided to do the Hummer Tour (no cracks please) in the desert. I know that I'm normally the spa and pool kinda gal. But, I figured that I may never be in AZ again, so why not check out the sights. I get into a hummer full of strangers and start to wish I was back by the pool. Suddenly, our driver (who oddly resembles Crocodile Dundee) stops at the gas station and says "this is where you can get your beer for the tour" Now your speaking my language.
I return back to the resort bragging to my co workers how I drank beer in the desert and held a gopher snake. No one really cares because they are all already half lit from drinking by the pool. Apparently, some people ran out to the local liquor store and stocked up. I smile knowing tonight is going to be interesting.
We all attend the mandatory work dinner and then decide to do none other than--drink by the pool. Well, here we all are, when the president of our sales division decides to come out and join us. My co worker leans over and says "I have a private casita and a private pool due to a mix up. Who's in?" We all make like brides-to-be at Filene's Basement and go to his casita. Many 3 Olives cocktails later we decide that it's a good idea to swim. I run back to my room to change into my suit. Shit...I forgot my tankini bottoms. I hear a knock at my door. Mandy Moo is waiting for me. In my tipsy haze I decide I'm going to swim in my Spanx. Yep. I'm that level of buzzed. Luckily they are the full bottom briefs that come above my belly button and completely cover my ass. There I was swimming in Scottsdale with my co-workers in my Spanx and no one was the wiser. Gotta love vodka.
Thursday
I hate vodka. I feel a massive "thump, thump" in my head. I text Mandy Moo and ask her to bring me some ibuprofen. Why, oh why, did I drink so much the night before the all day training session. Thank God for the fact they had coffee readily available the entire day. And thank God for Bobbi Brown concealer.
The hangover day from hell ends and Mandy Moo and I decide to go out downtown Scottsdale . We pick a place called "Geisha A Go-go". It's a sushi bar/dance club. We sit outside and watch the barbie dolls with their fake boobs walk by. As I sip on my "Hello Kitty" martini and eat a sushi roll called the "Marilyn Monroll", I decide I should check out the bathroom. I enter the stall and much to my surprise the toilet has switch on the wall that turns it into a bidet. I have to check this out. There Mandy Moo and I are yelling across the stalls to each other "Try the oscillating mode! Check out the pulsating mode!" I haven't had this much fun in a bathroom since...well let's leave that one alone. We hear the bartender yell for last call and we make our merry way back to the resort.
Friday
After a week of tearfully calling MJ and Baby Girl on the phone, I finally get to go home and see them in person. I quickly scan the plane for crying babies and any signs of anything that has to do w/ boobs, milk, or cows. We're clear. I fall asleep and dream of snuggling with my sweet little girl. I drive off from the airport and make my way into the house to my eagerly awaiting family. I drop my luggage and run up them with my arms open. Baby Girl sees me and starts to cry. MJ kisses me looking a little frazzled from his week alone with her. He's as glad to have me back as I am to be home. He says "Let's go grab a bite to eat." I reply "Sounds great as long as there is no vodka involved". Baby Girl quits crying and gives me a gummy smile. It's good to be back.
So, here is a summary of the past month and a half. It's not going to be as exciting b/c it's multiple events squished into one blog entry. But, after I post today's blog, I'm going to start blogging weekly again. Bare with me if this blog is a little long.
Scottsdale, AZ
Tuesday
I wake up at approx 3:30 AM. My flight is at 7 AM and I live a good 40 minutes from the airport. The first thing I notice is that my right boob is near bursting. There's no way in hell I'm going to wake up a peacefully sleeping Baby Girl at 3AM to feed her. It's the old "don't wake a sleeping bear" philosophy. So, I go down stairs and pull out the ol' sex toy sounding pump and go to town. 20 minutes pass and my boob still feels like an overstuffed sandbag. What the hell? Shit. It's 4AM. I only have an hour. I run upstairs, take a shower, and start to get dressed. What should I wear? This is a business trip so I should look decent. It's 4:30 AM and who the hell wants to get dressed up? I look longingly at my VS Pink Sweats and decide that wearing pants that say "Pink" on the ass and a hoodie that reads "I Love to Party" may not be work appropriate. I grab my normal business travel black dress and put on some flats. Before I leave I try to pump one last time. 1 oz. Seriously? It's like my boob is out to ruin my travel. I look down and tell it "I own you beyatch, you don't own me!" The boob pep talk doesn't seem to work, so I give up.
I go to Baby Girl's crib and start to sob. How can I be leaving her for 4 days? She's a baby doll laying there with her arms over her head. I kiss her chipmunk cheek and drag myself away. As I wipe away my tears ,I hear a crash of thunder and remember that it's 40 degrees outside. Bring on Arizona! I kiss MJ good-bye and tell him the normal "No strippers or hookers until I come home!" joke. Off I go.
As I drive to the airport I feel more pressure in my boob. This is nuts. I meet up with my coworkers at the at the gate at board on the direct flight. I contemplate pumping in the bathroom, but realize it's a full flight. I can just imagine people banging on the airplane bathroom door saying "C'mon lady! You and your vibrator have been in the bathroom for 20 min! I gotta pee!" Suddenly, I hear a baby crying. Great. I feel a little leakage happen. I take a deep breath and grab my Redbook mag to get my mind off the crying baby. I flip to an article called "The pros and cons of Breastfeeding" Really? In a Redbook? I slam shut the magazine and tune into the in flight movie called "Did you Hear About the Morgans?". A Sarah Jessica Parker movie can't be that bad. I look up at the little screen and it zooms in on SJP milking a cow. A friggin' cow! Are you SERIOUS? Is this a conspiracy or am I on Candid Camera? I feel sweat forming on my lip. I grab my boob for the hundredth time not caring that I look like some perv feeling myself up. The lady and her screaming kid walk by. I'm about to ask her "Hey lady, is your kid hungry? Hell, is anyone on this flight hungry?" Right as the words are about to form on my lips the pilot announces our decent. Praise Jesus!
After going through baggage claim and a nice lengthy shuttle ride to the resort I have had about all I can take. Everyone is "oohing and ahhing" over the beautiful sights we are passing and all I can think about is not squirting the guy seated next to me in the eye. We finally get to our resort on McCormick Ranch. I walk in and see mass chaos in the lobby. There's about 150 people trying to check into their rooms. Thank God I've always been nice to my admin. She just happens to be the event planner for our trip. She let's me cut in line to check in for "medical reasons." I get a million dirty looks and finally say out loud "I'm a nursing a mom and I have to pump before my breast explodes on you all" The dirty looks turn into looks of distaste. I hear some mumbles of "TMI" under people's breath. I'm just about to bitch slap the girl next to me when I decide getting to my room takes precedence. I throw my luggage down quicker than Amy Winehoue doing a shot of Jack. Ahh...Sweet relief.
Now that the whole "boob the size pf Rhode Island" debacle is over I find my co workers and drink some margaritas by the pool. I realize I'm still way out of practice drinking when after 2 margs I turn to a co worker and say the term "gen-erection" instead of "generation." Time for me to head back to the room and go to sleep. What a day.
Wednesday
I wake up confused as to where I am. I slept like a rock. No screaming baby, no baby monitor playing the music box version of Mozart, and no snoring husband. I get ready for the 4 hour sales meeting that's about to occur. After eating my weight in some crisp bacon at the breakfast buffet, I find my little work buddy, Mandy Moo. We stock up on coffee and listen to each speaker hour by hour.
After lunch it's time for our "excursion" we chose to do. I decided to do the Hummer Tour (no cracks please) in the desert. I know that I'm normally the spa and pool kinda gal. But, I figured that I may never be in AZ again, so why not check out the sights. I get into a hummer full of strangers and start to wish I was back by the pool. Suddenly, our driver (who oddly resembles Crocodile Dundee) stops at the gas station and says "this is where you can get your beer for the tour" Now your speaking my language.
I return back to the resort bragging to my co workers how I drank beer in the desert and held a gopher snake. No one really cares because they are all already half lit from drinking by the pool. Apparently, some people ran out to the local liquor store and stocked up. I smile knowing tonight is going to be interesting.
We all attend the mandatory work dinner and then decide to do none other than--drink by the pool. Well, here we all are, when the president of our sales division decides to come out and join us. My co worker leans over and says "I have a private casita and a private pool due to a mix up. Who's in?" We all make like brides-to-be at Filene's Basement and go to his casita. Many 3 Olives cocktails later we decide that it's a good idea to swim. I run back to my room to change into my suit. Shit...I forgot my tankini bottoms. I hear a knock at my door. Mandy Moo is waiting for me. In my tipsy haze I decide I'm going to swim in my Spanx. Yep. I'm that level of buzzed. Luckily they are the full bottom briefs that come above my belly button and completely cover my ass. There I was swimming in Scottsdale with my co-workers in my Spanx and no one was the wiser. Gotta love vodka.
Thursday
I hate vodka. I feel a massive "thump, thump" in my head. I text Mandy Moo and ask her to bring me some ibuprofen. Why, oh why, did I drink so much the night before the all day training session. Thank God for the fact they had coffee readily available the entire day. And thank God for Bobbi Brown concealer.
The hangover day from hell ends and Mandy Moo and I decide to go out downtown Scottsdale . We pick a place called "Geisha A Go-go". It's a sushi bar/dance club. We sit outside and watch the barbie dolls with their fake boobs walk by. As I sip on my "Hello Kitty" martini and eat a sushi roll called the "Marilyn Monroll", I decide I should check out the bathroom. I enter the stall and much to my surprise the toilet has switch on the wall that turns it into a bidet. I have to check this out. There Mandy Moo and I are yelling across the stalls to each other "Try the oscillating mode! Check out the pulsating mode!" I haven't had this much fun in a bathroom since...well let's leave that one alone. We hear the bartender yell for last call and we make our merry way back to the resort.
Friday
After a week of tearfully calling MJ and Baby Girl on the phone, I finally get to go home and see them in person. I quickly scan the plane for crying babies and any signs of anything that has to do w/ boobs, milk, or cows. We're clear. I fall asleep and dream of snuggling with my sweet little girl. I drive off from the airport and make my way into the house to my eagerly awaiting family. I drop my luggage and run up them with my arms open. Baby Girl sees me and starts to cry. MJ kisses me looking a little frazzled from his week alone with her. He's as glad to have me back as I am to be home. He says "Let's go grab a bite to eat." I reply "Sounds great as long as there is no vodka involved". Baby Girl quits crying and gives me a gummy smile. It's good to be back.
You're back!! Yay! And still funny as hell! :)
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