9AM
Baby Girl and I are playing with her activity mat. I'm amazed at how her face lights up with delight as she looks at the little fish dangling over her head. It's a similar look that I have when I walk into a jewelry store. I tell her someday she'll like diamonds much more. I pray that she stays this cute and adorable all day long. We have MJ's uncle's 80th birthday later in the day and she'll be meeting her extended family for the first time. Screaming your head off until you turn purple isn't always the best first impression to make.
Noon
I'm sitting here watch an episode of "The Real Housewives." Man, how I hate those bitches. Mostly because I want to be a real housewife and shop all day. But also because these skinny broads have all had multiple kids and look like Barbies. I look down at the road map formerly known as my stomach and shake my head. I guess my lot in life is to be a working mom who doesn't look like she had a kid. My stomach growls and I go heat up my Lean Cuisine. Maybe next week I'll get on the grilled chicken and veggies only diet. For now, frozen entrees it is.
I hear a creak and then a slow "thump thump" down the stairs. I turn to see Grizzly Adams staring back at me. MJ has been sick all week, so I cut him slack and let him sleep in. Who am I to call him Grizzly Adams, when I look like I just crawled home after an all nighter? My hair is dirty and pulled up, no make-up on and I'm wearing old leopard print PJ's (with milk stains on them, might I add). I do the hand off of the baby and go into my private sanctuary called the shower.
4PM
The time has come. I've been dreading it for the past 4 hours. It's time to get dressed for the party. Sure, it's an 80th birthday party and not a soiree. But, it's not exactly an event to wear Juicy Couture sweats-which is primarily what I have been living in on the weekends. Plus, MJ's cousin is hosting the party and she is quite the "it" girl. She's that cool cousin that we all have. She's always dressed out of a magazine and is always in the know. Pre-baby, MJ and I were pretty similar to her and her husband. We used to hang with them at these parties until late in the night. We used to meet up for sushi and martinis. She and I shared our passion for designer denim and drooled over Stuar Weitzman shoes. Now, frozen fish and grape vodka at home have become sushi and martinis to MJ and me. My maternity jeans have replace my True Religion, and late night has become staying up to watch "Lost." So, I'm determined to look cute.
I roll up my sleeves with determination and enter my closet. I'm a fashion warrior going into the battlefield of too small clothes. This is a battle I shall win, oh yes. I walk in and look around. I see a few dresses. I should wear a dress. They're always flattering. I pick up my old stand-by little black dress and get hit with my first bullet. OMG there's a hole in it! How did that happen? My favorite dress...no... It's ok. I move on. I grab another black dress and put it on. I can't get it past my boobs. How is that even possible? I wore this dress when I was pregnant! Deep breaths. I see a final black dress (black is flattering, what can I say?). I go to put it on but realize that I'll never be able to nurse Baby Girl in it. I guess I'll go the jeans route. Round 1: closet wins.
I know better than to try on my real jeans at this point, so I just grab a pair of my maternity jeans. Ha! Take that you closet! I'll just wear my drapey purple top...shit it's in the laundry. OK, I'll wear my Arden B. black flowy top. I put it on and have cleaveage the size of the Grand Canyon. It is an 80th birthday party after all, I don't want to give the man a heart attack. I think on my feet and remember a few tops I have that I wore when I was a little bigger (so, I had the post wedding chubbies, who didn't?). They are too tight around my stomach. What am I going to wear? So far: Closet 2 Me 0.
I decide to wear a blah maroon sweater, my jeans, and flats. It's just a birthday party and everyone will be dressed casually anyway. I contimplate wearing my new Nine West heels, but decided against it. MJ gives me a pep talk and a hug. He tells me he knows that once I hit the gym again the weight will be melting off. I tell him I love him and start to pack up Baby Girl and her 9 million items we have to take.
7PM
I'm feeling a little better. My hair looks good and I'm pleased with my make-up. Baby Girl looks damn adorable, and that's really who everyone is going to be looking at anyway. We walk into the house and that's when I see her. Tall, skinny, and gorgeous. Mark's cousin. She's wearing an amazing one armed shirt, tiny little pants, and killer heels. She hugs me and meets baby girl. Well, I didn't expect anything but the best from her and it's good to see her. I turn around and see sister in law 1. She looks hot. Bam! Sister in law 2 is right behind her-stunning! I look down and think, it's okay...I just had a baby.
Shortly after, I see another cousin who had her baby a few months before me. She's back to her normal size. I instantly get irritated. She looks all chic in her black top and fancy scarf. We were chatting about being new moms and our babies etc. I ask her how much weight she gained with her baby and she said about 25 lbs. I laugh and tell her I gained 90. As the words escape my lips I begin to realize that I really should have said no to all of the Olive Garden I consumed while pregnant.
I find MJ talking to a very trendy couple who I don't recognize. I did notice the woman of the couple's kick ass boots from across the room earlier though. MJ tells me they are friends of our cousin and they are here from Broadway. He teaches acting and dance master classes around the country and she is currently performing on Broadway. MJ proceeds to tell them that we do theatre and that I'm a singer and dancer. I feel them look at me as if to say "This chubby chick, does theatre? Does her chin get bruised when she tap dances from those hooters?" I instantly feel the need to explain myself by repeatedly mentioning I just had a baby and that I used to be skinny. I give the guy my card in hopes he will call me for a tap dancing boot camp. As I hand it to him I have images of me in the midst of all these skinny divas schlepping it on the dance floor. I immediately regret it. Then, I realize that he was probably just being nice and I'm sure I won't hear from him. It figures...the day I dress like a Wal-Mart shopper, I meet Broadway people.
10PM
Baby Girl has been a hit all night. She hasn't cried a single time. She's let me nurse her and change her diapers in the guest room with out a whimper. She's let strangers hold her and hasn't spit up on a single one. I'm so proud. We catch wind that the party has moved to the basement. We come down to find our two cousins and my two sisters-in-laws playing a Wii game called "Just Dance". They are having a blast dancing to Cyndi Lauper and Brittney Spears songs. I wanted to drop Baby Girl and join in. Then, I realized A.) What would I do with Baby Girl? B.) Everyone looks all cute up there dancing and I feel like a scrub C.) My boobs would be out of control with all of that jumping around. So, I sit there and watch them while I hold my mini me. It's at that moment that I realize...I need to stop whining and get back to the gym.
My plan is to go back to the gym on Monday and start doing Weight Watchers. I'm excited and motivated. MJ gives me the cue that it's time to leave. We say good-bye and pack up our gear. I tell MJ about my plan to get in shape again.
I grab a cupcake on the way out the door. I mean, I'm starting on Monday, right?
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