Saturday (Outlets & Wonderbras)

Saturday

4AM
Why, oh why, did I think margaritas were a good idea? I'm sleeping soundly when the ear curdling scream comes from the nursery. Normally we try to alternate the late night feeding, but I'm bushed. MJ gets up and I roll over back to sleep. An hour goes by when MJ comes back in saying she refuses to lay back in her crib. So, I snuggle with her in bed with full intentions of taking her back to the nursery. Unfortunately, I drift back to la-la land as she sleeps in our bed. Even the most loving mom dreads her baby sharing her bed. Beauty sleep...hello? Those damn margaritas. They sure do make you sleepy when you're out of practice.

11AM
I take a little extra time in the shower this morning. I close my eyse and imagine that I'm in an Aveda spa where some muscle man named Antonio is giving me a message. I'm quickly snapped out of that fantasy when I hear a knock at the door. "Honey, can you hurry up? Baby Girl had a blow out and I need to throw in some laundry." So, long Antonio.

We decided we need a day out and go to the outlet mall. Someone may lose a limb if I don't get my Starbucks fix. After I practically take in my coffee through an IV, we are on the road. We get very excited that Baby Girl is so chill on the ride there. We go into each baby store and go a little nuts. I'm sure it scares the shit out of MJ that I used to be obsessed with Barbies and dress up as a girl. We both get stupid excited looking at baby bikinis and tiny sandals. We have visions of her splashing on the beach and beebopping around Disney when she's older. I only wish MJ got as excited about shopping for clothes for me.

Noon
As I shop around I notice a girl who needs one of those bra interventions like on Oprah. Her boobs were practically dragging on the floor. And boy were those some serious hooters! Seriously girl, have you ever heard of an underwire? Wait a minute...OMG, that's ME! As I stare at my reflection in the mirror I about drop my soy latte. The thing is, I was a very normal 32 full C pre baby. My girls were always like my signature feature. I was damn proud of them. I'm now a 36 E. E as in elephant. Jenna Jameson would be blown away. No wonder the poor child had such difficulties latching on in the beginning. She probably thought it was Armageddon and my boob was a giant meteor about to hit her face. Next stop: the bra outlet!

Sixty dollars and a handful of nursing bras later, we continue shopping. Before we leave the store I ask the girl if I can change bras then and there in the store. She looks at me like I'm a nut but says sure. I change bras and I'm a new woman ready to conquer the world. I take a glimpse out of the corner of my eye in the mirror and think "Much perkier! But DAMN are those suckers still big!" No complaints from MJ there.

4PM
We stop in Babies R Us or as I call it the "Drop $50 at the door because that's at least what you'll spend inside" store. Our main objective for going is so that I can use their nursing room. How sad is it that I get stoked about a little room with a rocking chair and a changing table? Baby Girl burps and goes back to sleep-as all good milkaholics do. We praise her for being such a good little girl for sleeping all day. We move onto BW3 and eat some wings and watch college basketball as Baby Girl continues to saw logs.

6PM
We try to watch a movie. Try is the operative word here. All those hours that Baby Girl was sleeping today is coming back to bite us in the ass. Let the scream-a-thon begin! There is no consoling her. She nurses so much I'm shocked that I have nipples left. She has her diaper changed repeatedly and we play with her. We even try to let her scream it out. Nothing is working. This goes on until close to midnight. Finally she falls asleep on my chest on the couch. I don't want to move in fear of waking her. I tell MJ I'll wait it out a half hour and bring her to the crib.

4AM
Holy shit. I can't move. When did Bea Arthur take over my body? Where am I? Oh, the couch. What time is it? 4 AM. 4 AM?? I was supposed to be in bed at 12:30. Eww, what's this wet sticky feeling on my neck? Ugh, baby spit up. Ok, if I can just make it upstairs with out waking her... I creep up off the couch ever so slowly. Yes! I'm just about to make it to the stairs when my hair brushes her across the face. "WHAAA!" She looks at me as to say "This is not my crib and it's been 4 hours since I ate you psycho, milk supplying, woman! Take care of this NOW!" Ah, my little Diva in training. I nurse her, change her and take her back to bed.

Well at least I have a few more hours to sleep until we have to get up for church. Then it dawns on me. Daylight savings! I'm screwed!